We’d all like to sound confident while expressing our feelings and opinions – whether it’s in a social or work situation. But this doesn’t always come easy for a lot of people.
Assertiveness is a skill that takes practice. People sometimes go to an extreme to get their point across – by either screaming at someone or giving them the silent treatment. Assertiveness is a better strategy. It works because it respects you and others.
The first step toward becoming more assertive is looking at how you voice your thoughts and feelings. Do you use a passive or aggressive communication style? Being assertive is starkly different from simply going to an extreme when you want to get your point across.
If you have a passive style, you probably let the needs of others to come before your own. You might mean well, but this style of communication can lead to you feeling simmering resentment over time.
An aggressive style, on the other hand, tramples on the rights of others. It often involves bullying and intimidation, a tactic which only goes so far.
The difference is – when you communicate assertively, you are better able to clearly state your desires or needs.
– Joyce Marter, LCPC”
Why are some people assertive while others aren’t? Many factors come into play. Stress is one. If we experience a fight-or-flight response while stressed, it pulls us toward aggression or avoidance. Quite the opposite from calm, relaxed assertiveness.
A person’s belief system also plays a role. People often tell themselves – “Being nice means going along with others” or “It doesn’t matter if I’m assertive, no one will pay attention anyway”. That’s why it’s so important to become aware and overcome your limiting beliefs.
Other people might fear conflict, losing a relationship, or just want to avoid criticism or rejection.
It’s hard to practice being assertive when you’re in the moment. That’s why it is recommended to mentally boost yourself with positive self-talk before an encounter. Center yourself with positive thoughts of “I’ve got this” or “My time is important.”
Communication isn’t just verbal. It’s recommended that you adopt an assertive body stance before going into a stressful situation or a difficult conversation. This behavior will make you feel more confident and powerful.
What does that look like? Stand up straight, rolling your shoulders back. Maintain regular eye contact and a neutral facial expression.
If you have an important issue you’re trying to address, consider role-playing with a trusted friend by practicing different conversation styles. Write it down, then say what you want to say aloud.
Remember to ask for feedback about how clear you’re coming across, and how the other person might see the situation.
The bottom line is – believe in your worth. Without a healthy and balanced sense of self-worth, you’ll likely keep accepting less from others, or end up giving more than you receive.
